my two little friends from idaho have graciously consented to be turned into potato pancakes or as i like to call them latkes. each of my pals weigh about a pound each. i like to call them chubby, but they insist they are just big boned.

after thanking them profusely. i peel my little pals. please don’t do this with any of your friends unless they are actual potatoes and have given their consent, ok?

next i poke their little eyes out. again, this is appropriate behavior with consenting potato friends, but, should be avoided with all other life forms.

 now, i pop them into the food processor and grate them up. you can use a regular grater if you like. i prefer a thinner grate because it’s a bit more slenderizing. i place the grated the potatoes in a large glass bowl and let them sit for at least 10-15 minutes. they will turn a yucky brown color… this is just what we want. honest. really.

while the potatoes are sitting turning and icky brown, i grate part of an onion you can use any kind of onion, but i have chosen a delicious and sweet maui onion.

after the onions are grated, i take one egg and crack it into a little bowl.

with my official whisking fork i vigorously whisk my egg until it is well mixed and possibly more than a bit confused.

how disgusting! it’s the fault of all that starchy stuff that lurks in unsuspecting potatoes. i know how to fix this. first i dump the shreds into a nice colander.

with a good hard stream of very cold water, i rinse all the icky stuff off the potatoes. i work through the potatoes vigorously with my fingers to make sure everything is all rinsed and sparkly white. then, i let them sit and so that all the water will drain off of them.

while the potatoes dry, i put an eight of an inch of canola oil into a large frying pan. when i feel like a traditionalist, i add a couple of tablespoons of chicken fat too. then i turn on the heat to medium high and let it get hot.

now i add the grated onions and whipped up egg to the potato shreds.

with two forks strapped to my legs i toss the whole mixture until the potatoes are evenly coated with egg. if you’re with cirque du soleil you can do this without a spotter, if not, make sure to fall into the potatoes to break your fall.

when the oil is hot, i add a lump of mixture to the oil. look at it sizzle! the aroma is tantalizing!.

while the latkes are happily sizzling away, i put a few layers of paper towel over an over-proof plate. this is where the latkes will relax and drain off the excess oil.

i know that spattering hot oil can damage delicate terry cloth, so, while the potato pancakes sizzle, i retire to a safe distance to observe the fying. hmmm…for some reason, i want a nice cup of tea.

when one side of the yummy pancake is golden brown i gingerly slide the flipper thingie under it and turn it over before it knows what hit it.

when both sides are crispy and golden brown, i gracefully transfer the latke to the plate for draining. soothing music and adagio training really makes a difference, doesn’t it?

like all certified latka professionals, i like to keep my latkes in a warm oven while the other latkes fry.

just look at all these delicious latkes! you can serve them warm with either sour cream or apple sauce.

as the cook, i get to taste the first latke. i start by admiring the golden crispiness. just smell that golden brown carmelized goodness.

i like to start with the ritual dab of sour cream. its a cool and creamy contrast to the warm latke.

flanked by a matching dollop of apple sauce. it’s sweet, tart fruitiness adding harmony and depth. 

mmm! the perfect blend of temperature, aromas, textures and flavors makes me want to exclaim oy! so i shall!  oy!  this is the perfect treat for hannukkah, chistimas, new year, father’s day or any time of year! try some, won’t you?

whether you spell it channukah, hanukkah, hanukah, hannukah, chanukah, chanukkah, channukah, channukkah or hah-nu-quah (i just made that up, but trust me, it will catch on), the festival of lights is a special time for families and friends to get together to celebrate.

it’s day 4 of hannukkan and i’m in charge of arranging the lovely hand embroidered cloth before the menorah. it’s a tradition in my friend’s family and tradition is what hanukkah is all about, isn’t it?

what would the festival of lights be without a menorah of candles? ok, it would be less of a fire hazard, but, candle dominated holidays is exactly why god made fire extinguishers.

visiting with family and friends, old and new, is one of my favorite parts of this 8 day holiday.

when everyone arrives, we all gather as blessings are said before the candles are lit.

the lighting of the menorah reminds us of the miracle of the oil lamp burning for 8 days when the maccabees rededication of the temple in 165 bce. while my hebrew rusty as a moses’ bobby pins, i never hesitate joining in for the last blessing.

how humble i feel, standing in the glow of the candles with those i love knowing that people all over the world have participated in this ritual for centuries.

since no one’s hair caught seriously on fire, it’s time to whip out the dreidel and get the party started!

every night wonderful little gifts are exchanged. this tradition is where most school age children get their sock and underwear drawer stocked for coming year.

i’m hoping to get an honorable mention in the family holiday headgear competition held right after the traditional dinner of chinese take out.

after the blessing, the candles, the gifts, the eggrolls and a few dozen latkes (with extra sour cream)  it’s nice to just quietly sit and reflect on  peace and happiness. i wonder if i make a wish and blow out the candles it it will come true? it can’t hurt!

mazel tov!

what better way to salute this tasty treat that we call fruitcake?

fruitcake haiku

Fruitcake in the spring
soaring tastes like wind in March
the tongue cannot speak

by Christopher

a nice fruitcake cinquain

Fruitcake
mysteries are
like open secrets to
discover spices flowing through
our mem’ries

by Christopher

it’s fruitcake weather! so i am at the national fruitcake preservation institute to partake in the annual fruitcake ritual. as you can see, all the ingredients of a good fruitcake have been assembled.

this is the most important ingredient – a copy of truman capote’s “a christmas memory.” omitting this vital ingredient renders the fruitcake inedible. this is the flaw with many commercial fruitcakes. these doomed fruitcakes remain unopened and circle the worldwide postal system never finding a home.

fruit cake always tastes better when prepared on a table that is covered with a plastic christmas table-cloth on it. non-christian fruitcake aficionados use a festive table cloths related to joyous occasions such a hanukkah, kwanza, winter solstice or the japanese emperors birthday.

no fan fare heralds the start of the ceremony. the ritual begins with the lining of the baking pan. butter secures the wax paper to the special fruitcake pan that has been handed down through the ages.

i have the important task of creaming together the sugar and butter. the goodness of this fruitcake depends on how well i do this. i will live up to this challenge.

the careful sifting of the secret dry ingredients reminds me of a gentle winter snow fall,an enchanting snow globe or baby powder on a hot summer day. don’t you think so?

yummy nuts, candied fruit, holiday colored cherries, raisins and cute little currents are all mixed together in another bowl.

i had better taste a walnut to make sure that is tasty enough for this special fruitcake. yep. it is.

bedecked in the ceremonial floral apron, the fruitcake master whips all the ingredients together with my creamed butter and sugar. what a stirring moment.

the melange or fruits and nuts are then gingerly folded into the rich and creamy batter.

it is always appropriate to taste the mixture at this point of the ceremony. i take just a little taste being mindful not to drool on the spoon.

accompanied by the humming of a cheerful improvised tune, the batter is poured into the fruitcake pan.

spreading the batter carefully in the pan assures that the cake will bake evenly and be attractive.

oh! look! this wooden spoon looks like it needs to be licked clean. i am always happy to offer my services to such a task.

now, the solemn moment comes when the cake is placed in the preheated oven.

a moment of silence is observed then the oven timer is set.

all the ritual implements are now washed, dried and put away for use next year.

the guardian of the fireplace has started a lovely roaring fire and the comfy chair is pulled close to the hearth.

this part of the ritual assures that the fruitcake tastes wonderful. i have the honor of reading “a christmas memory” out loud for all of the assembled guests.
“imagine a morning in late november. a coming of winter more than twenty years ago…”

“…as if i expected to see, rather like hearts, a lost pair of kites hurrying toward heaven.”
i think i sounded exactly like the author, truman capote, as i read that, don’t you?

buzzzzz! the fruitcake is cooked! the aroma is over whelming and the lovely golden brown color is so stunning that it brings tears to my eyes.

using the traditional festive holiday pot-holder, the hot and friendly cake is placed on a cooling rack.

then we wait for the cake to cool. this takes forever….

after a while, the fruitcake is removed from the pan and the protective wax paper is peeled off to expose the attractive character of the warm fruitcake.

we wait some more for the cake to cool completely. this gives me an opportunity to admire the beautiful cake and ponder its mysteries just as the monks from the abbey of gethsemani do when they make their scrumptious fruit cakes.

inspired by the divine and etherial qualities of this unique holiday treat, i have written this poem:

fruit cake golden brown and warm,
tasty fruitcake with such charm.
i bet that you will taste so yummy
and feel real good in my tummy.

i inspect the combination fruitcake vault and aging receptacle (aka cookie tin) for cleanliness. i am prepared to eat any stray cookies that may be found in the tin should it be necessary. not everyone is willing to make such sacrifices, you know.

a delicate basting of bourbon is applied to the cake to keep it moist and happy while it is sealed in the lonely dark cookie tin.

a hush falls over the room as the fruitcake is lowered into its new home. how calm and aromatic the fruitcake is during all this attention.

now that the fruitcake is hermetically sealed in the high tech fruitcake vault. we must now wait for it to age to perfection before we open the container to taste it.

the other guests have left, but, i am going to stick around so that i can be the first to greet the fruit cake when it comes out of the tin.

i will take this opportunity to jot santa a little note about how good i have been this year.

i’ll sit in my monkey sized comfy chair and relax a bit.

i think i’ll enjoy a little exercise and self expression with a few of my favorite dance steps.

i’ll play outside a little, but, i’ll be within earshot of the fruitcake should it need me.

leaping around in the fall air was invigorating, but, maybe i need to take a little nap now.

i’m just checking to make sure that the fruitcake is properly sealed in the tin. we don’t want any of those flavor molecules sneaking out!

it’s been a long day, it’s time to dream about fruitcake!

more waiting…and waiting… i’m glad i that i brought a book to read…and more waiting … and still more waiting!

i wonder if i will ever get to taste the fruitcake…

the day has finally come to taste the fruitcake! yippeeee! this is just as exciting as waiting for the ground hog to come out and see his shadow on ground hog’s day!

i’ll just climb up here and help open up the top of the fruitcake vault.

hmmmmm! it smells delicious!

hello fruitcake. for a moment, i believe it is stunned by the bright lights after all that time in total darkness.

it sure looks well rested and tasty, doesn’t it? i don’t think i would look so good if i has been sealed in a cookie tin for a couple of weeks. would you?

how moist and relaxed the fruitcake is even though it is about to be removed from it’s tin and sliced. i am so impressed.

the fruitcake is placed on the ceremonial cake plate and we all wait for the fruitcake master to begin.

the initial cut is made by the fruitcake master. i sure hope she washed her hands first.

then i am asked to make the second cut symbolizing the passing of the tradition from the masters to the young initiates that are present. it is one of the most moving and memorable parts of the entire ritual.

then i am asked to make the second cut symbolizing the passing of the tradition from the masters to the young initiates that are present. it is one of the most moving and memorable parts of the entire ritual.

no, after thinking about it, i will be able to eat. look at the delectable little currants, the sweet and colorful cherries and those nutty nuts. who could resist? not me!

no, after thinking about it, i will be able to eat. look at the delectable little currants, the sweet and colorful cherries and those nutty nuts. who could resist? not me!

now, can i get you a slice too?

it’s time to transform this cute little pumpkin into a magnificent halloween jack-o-lantern. to join in, arrange your pumpkin (or punkin’ if you like) a nice big spoon and a nifty little pumpkin carving tool (instead of a big dangerous knife) on the table.

this is a messy job, so, you may want to don a p.p.p. – pumpkin pulp protector – (sometimes known as a sandwich bag) to keep the pumpkin guts off of your terry cloth. if your choose this option, please make sure that you have breathing holes or self contained breathing apparatus and assure that your movement are not restricted.

the first incision is very important. in my per-surgical plans i decided to make the basic round opening at the top.  so, just slice around the stem in a circle with the neato little pumpkin tool.  please execute the pumpkin opening cut of your choice now.  i’ll wait.

once you have the top off, carefully climb on top of the pumpkin and scoop all the pumpkin seeds and gooey stuff out. clean all the stuff off the inside of the little stem part too. a good pair of deck shoes may come in handy to assure no missteps.

don’t throw the punkin guts on the floor or table, or at the dog (no matter how much he taunts you). put them all neatly in a bowl. if you drop any seeds or gook on the floor, wipe it up right away! if you think this stuff is disgusting now, you should see it when it’s smeared all over the tile and you have to try to clean it up with a sponge and a butter knife.

save the pumpkin seeds and guts either. roasted pumpkin seeds are a delicious and healthy treat! but, that’s another story and you can’t get distracted from the task at hand

make sure the inside is cleaned out real real real good. if need be, crawl inside with your spoon to finish up the job.

now carve the eyes, nose and mouth into the side of the pumpkin with the little punkin saw. you may want to make some sketches before you start so you know exactly how you want your punkin to look. today, however, i am going with my creative flow and carving mine free hand.

i know, this is hard work, but, i think you will find that the final result is quite rewarding. everyone enjoys a pumpkin for halloween. the pumpkin is your blank slate waiting to become a scary jack-o-lanter, a frightening skull, a horrific zombie or a portrait of your favorite political candidate.

when you are happy with the eyes, nose, mouth and facial scars that you have carved into your pumpkin, it’s time to add the candle. i have chosen a fragrant long life votive with a delicate honeysuckle scent. or if you have not gotten your candle privileges reinstated after last years halloween pumpkin immolation, you can use a safe and long-lasting battery operated votive.

there, isn’t this a handsome jack-o-lantern? his face looks oddly familiar, doesn’t it?

now that it’s dark outside, it’s time to light the candle! inside your punkin so that you can enjoy the full splendor of your jack-o-lantern.

oooh! doesn’t that warm and festive glow just get you in a cheery halloween mood? i am sure it will be admired by all of the trick or treaters that will come to my house this halloween!